suffocated by parchment
by AmazinglyEnough123
Summary: Ron leads a double life, Harry is asexual, Hermione is a rainbow princess, Ginny is a ninja, Draco thinks he has super powers, Pansy hugs trees and Seamus is magically delicious. READ its FUNNY
1. Chapter 1

a/n we had to be high when we wrote this. But really, its hilarious. Please review at end.

Authors: Amelia and Bianca

Summary: Ron Weasley leads a double life, Harry is asexual, Hermione is a rainbow princess, Ginny is a ninja, Draco thinks he has super powers, Pansy hugs trees and Seamus is magically delicious.

"Here at the British music awards, please give it up for Calzada Nevada!"

And the crowd goes wild.

Ron listened to the chants of 'Calzada' echoing through the auditorium. In moments, thousands of people would be watching him. He grabbed his mike, did one last High School Musical voice exercise before walking, in his tight leather pants, out onto the stage, being engulfed by the lights, were thousands stood waiting and cheering.

* * *

Harry Potter was in love with himself. Fame did that to a person. Egotistical wasn't the word, it was more of a…passion towards himself.

And tonight, he was having fun, all by himself.

* * *

Hermione twirled her baton of rainbow goodness, feeling the world around her fill with joy. She straightened her crown and twirled.

She noticed a figure by a tree, holding on to it for dear life. She skipped over to the person and batted them upside the head with her baton.

"YOU WILL HAVE JOY!" she exclaimed, hitting the person again as they cringed away from her. She followed, "JOY!"

* * *

Pansy started. Strange, this bushy haired rainbow princess just hit her upside the head with a baton. She had been minding her own business, hugging her tree as usual when she had received a blow to the head.

"What are you doing to make the environment a better place?" she yelled at the rainbow princess.

Hermione smiled, "I fill it with joy."

"By beating people upside the head with batons?" Pansy screeched, "The yelling we are doing right now is using up needed oxygen! You are making me hurt the environment!"

* * *

Draco ran up behind his best friend, slapping the other boys arse.

Blaise turned around, glaring at the blonde, "What the fuck Draco?"

Draco sneered and laughed, "Nice try Zabini, I know you can't see me."

"What the hell are you talking about? Your right there."

"Shut up, you can't hear me either. I'm invisible, don't you know anything?"

"Your insane, that's what."

"Your just jealous because I have super powers and you don't."

"Super powers?"

"Yeah, like those people on that one show. I am just like them…and someday they will come for me. Now, I have to fly."

Blaise stared after Draco who was now galloping down the hall, "Just don't jump off anything too high, alright?"

* * *

"They're after my lucky charms!" Seasmus yelled, sprinting down the hallway, knocking over several students in the process.

* * *

Ginny, all stealthy in her black suit, somersaulted down the halls of Hogwarts. Rounding the corner she saw professor Snape. She took out her ninja stars and threw them at him but before they could reach him he whipped out his wand and yelled, "Expiliamus!"

Ginny turned around, snapping her fingers and yelling, "DAMN IT!" she stalked off.

* * *

Lila breathed out a sigh of annoyance. It was her first day at Hogwarts. Being an American witch was pretty easy, but being forced to come to a prestigious British school with the famous Harry Potter was a bit unnerving. She was used to being the famous one. She was a triple threat and she would bet her life that the boy who lived couldn't sing an e flat or own a runway without falling flat on your ass.

As she walked up the steps of the school resounding whistles behind her made her roll her eyes. Maybe she was in a different country, but men everywhere were all the same.

* * *

a/n we're crazy. Except it.

Ron: You made me Hannah Montana!

Author: Uh…yeah.

Ron: YAY! NOBODYS PERFECT, I'VE GOTTA WORK IT-

Draco: Its really sad that you know the words to that.

Ron: your just jealous because they made you crazy.

Draco: shut up. Maybe I'm not crazy…I could be a superhero.

Ron: -rolls eyes- ahuh.

Ginny: HI-YAY

Ron: shut up gin, your not ACTUALLY a ninja.

Ginny: don't ruin it.

Author: anyway, I want you to review.

Ron: YES REVIEW

Draco: Please. Ron will promise not to sing again if you do.

Ron: shut up.

a/n you heard them. Review your ass off.


	2. wigs pimps and ugly sticks

Walking down the hallway, Lila noticed a guy staring at her. This wasn't exactly different from usual, but then he sauntered up to her. Usually people were too intimidated by her beauty or fame of being a singer/model/actress to talk to her at all.

He gives her a wicked grin, and says in a very sexy British drawl (oh what the hell is she saying, everyone here has sexy British accents, even the girls. She was going to be losing her panties faster then Britney spears.) "You new here?"

"Hell yeah," she gave him her best Hollywood smile.

He looked surprised at her accent but his eyes glazed over with what she only knew as lust, she could tell he was already picturing her naked. Damn, he was going to jack off to her later tonight. "Are you American?"

"What gave me away?" she teased.

"Well since your new here I'm sure you need someone to show you around," Blaise took her arm, "Well I am your tour guide, here to show you the mysterious beyond."

Lila didn't know what to say to that. She let him lead her along through the hallways as he pointed out random landmarks. A boy ran by, wearing a large green hat and singing about pots of golden rainbows.

"…and that's Seamus our resident leprechaun…"

They walked by a girl holding onto a tree and pressing her face against it, almost like a kiss of some kind.

"…oh that's just Pansy, she's a tree hugger…"

"HEY HE'S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!"

"O-kay then…"

Lila was too busy staring at Pansy to see the rainbow princes appear beside her and knock her upside the head with her baton.

"What the fuck?"

Hermione waved her baton, "NEW GIRL MUST HAVE JOY!"

"That's Hermione, she's a rainbow princess, and over here we have Draco, who is unfortunately my best friend…"

Draco came up between the two, looking Lila over up and down and all around. He whistled, "Daammnnn you one sexy beast."

Lila giggled and raised her eyebrows at him, "Wow, no ones ever been that um…straight forward with me."

"Shut up, I know Blaise just got you to say that. You know I'm not really here," Draco pranced away.

"You having fucking weird friends," she turned to Blaise.

"Welcome to Britain," he grinned.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ron walked off stage, wiping the sweat from his brow as the lights dimmed but the crowd was still cheering his name.

"CALZADA! CALZADA! CALZADA!"

Sometimes it was hard to lead a double life, when a part of him wanted to stay Calzada Nevada all the time, but he saw what Hannah Montana got when she made that wish. No way was he going there. Ginny would not look good as a hermit. And being just Ron was nice…people weren't always harassing him like when he was Calzada Nevada, teen pop sensation!!!!!!!!!

But there was a plus side. Girls threw themselves at him. And he _loved _that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Harry was not tired of himself yet.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ginny somersaulted up to the new girl and preformed a ninja strike to the shoulder, which would cause her to become unconscious.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lila asked.

Ginny sighed, "DAMN IT."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

George Weaseley sauntered down the hall with trails of girls behind him. At the back of the group Fred Weasley muttered obscenities to himself. George spotted the gorgeous new girl and walked up to her in a very sexy provocative walk.

Puckering his lips and saying, "How you doin?"

"Do you think your Joey or something?" Lila laughed.

Being from Britain George did not know who Joey was. He didn't let that stop him.

"I'll be anything you want me to be sugar," he mused.

She smiled, no one was ever that forward with her, besides that odd blonde boy but he was clearly insane. But she kind of liked George, he made her laugh, and out of all the freaks at this school he seemed normal…ish.

Fred walked up to his brother and the gorgeous American girl and said, "WHAT THE FUCK? How does he do this? I'm your exact twin but you still get all the girls!"

George shrugged, "Sorry bro but your just to damn ugly."

Fred just stares, "I'm your fucking twin."

"That suddenly got hit by the ugly stick," George shook his head.

Pansy skipped by singing, "LOVE TREES, LOVE TREES…"

Hermione is trailing close behind her, her baton raised over her head screaming "YOU WILL HAVE JOY!!!"

Lila very hesitantly spoke to George, "What…is going on here?"

"Nothing, why do you ask?" George smiled, "Its just a normal day at Hogwarts."

"Okay I see, fuck with the new American girl, get her to think your all crazy, what a big laugh," she said.

They all exchanged a look as if to say, 'What is this girl on?'

Lila stared at them all before saying a very small voice, "I have to go now."

She walked off towards the great hall.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After changing into normal clothing, and getting rid of those sweaty leather pants, and getting rid of his black emo wig, Ron made his way to the great hall for some lunch. As he came to the door he saw a very familiar face that should not have been there.

"Lila?" he asked, confused.

She turned around, looking him up and down and saying, "How do you know my name?"

a/n cliffie!

Ron: that was mean

Draco: life is mean

Ron: so are me and lila gonna get it on?

Draco: you wish, she SO wants me

Ron: -laughs- sure…

Author: we will see, alright?

Ron: come on girls you can tell me…

Bianca:-smile-

Amelia: I am immune to your charms!

Draco: this is really odd.

Authors: so anyway, review. Like now. And we will give you lots of cookies.

Ron: I'll give you a kiss.

Draco: shut up, they want a kiss from me.

Ron: who would want to kiss you?

Authors: You heard them. REVIEW.


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